


Fowl Conduct

by themadlurker



Category: Bandom, Panic At The Disco
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fusion, Alternate Universe - Magic, Animal Transformation, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-15
Updated: 2009-12-15
Packaged: 2017-10-14 20:34:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/153205
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themadlurker/pseuds/themadlurker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan has a problem. It's lucky that Spencer's good with water fowl. (Harry Potter fusion)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fowl Conduct

**Author's Note:**

> Written as bribery fic for [verbosewrdsmith](http://verbosewrdsmith.livejournal.com/profile), who had much less pleasant things than bandom crackfic to write. Many thanks to [vensre](http://vensre.livejournal.com/profile) for the kind and careful beta work, without whose help this fic would be in a sad state, bereft of em-dashes and Joe Trohman.
> 
>  **Disclaimer:** If the FBR Co-Educational School of Magic were real, the world would be a much more interesting (and frightening) place.

"Quack," said the duck. Spencer regarded it balefully.

"I thought we talked about this, Ryan," he said.

Ryan said, flatly, "He was annoying me." Spencer stared up at him until he began to fidget slightly with the green and gold fringe on his school scarf. "I was going to turn him back," he added at last. Spencer shot a quick glance over at Mr. Trohman, to see if he had noticed the presence of water fowl in his library, but he seemed to be distracted by something invisible hanging over his head, which emitted pale blue sparks whenever he poked at it with his wand.

Spencer sighed. "What did you use?" he asked, kicking out a chair for Ryan at the table beside him.

" _Mallardendum transfigurendum_ ," he said as he settled in beside Spencer. Spencer stared at him harder. "Uh, I think."

Spencer rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to tell you that adding ' _-endum_ ' to words doesn't make them Latin? Also, that isn't a mallard."

"It could be."

"It really couldn't."

"Mallards come in a lot of different colors..."

"Not pink."

"It's more sort of reddish..."

"And purple."

"I'd have called it more of a mauve."

"Ryan, there is no such thing as a pink and purple duck."

"But—"

"No."

The duck honked plaintively at the lack of attention. A passing senior looked down in surprise and said, "Hey, sweet duck, man." The duck preened.

"You can still fix it though, right?" Ryan said with a little less bravado. He looked down at his fingers where they were fiddling with his scarf tassels, as if the digits were strange and foreign objects that just happened to be attached to his arms. Then he glanced back up at Spencer at just the right angle to veil his eyes, round and even — oh, _please_ — slightly damp behind his eyelashes.

Spencer knew it was an intentional, practiced look (hell, he'd watched Ryan practice it often enough), and he cursed the warm, fluttery feeling that rose up in his chest in spite of himself, flooding him with stupid protective urges. Manipulative bastard.

Spencer held out his hands to pick up the duck. "Let's see what we can do to fix you, then," he said. At least the duck had the grace to look properly grateful for Spencer's efforts. At least, that's what Spencer told himself. He lifted one of the duck's wings with his wand, lowered it again, incanted a spell, waited... sighed.

"Hand me my Transfigurations book, would you?"

Ryan waved at Spencer's bag where it sat at the far end of the table, and the textbook levitated over towards them.

Spencer glared. "You are honestly the laziest person I know."

Ryan shrugged, looking thoroughly unrepentant. "How are you going to figure out what it is?" he asked, peering curiously over Spencer's shoulder as he flipped through the section on animal transformations.

"I'll just have to figure out what, exactly, you turned him into and then, I can — I don't know, adapt some kind of a counter-curse?"

It was a bit sad how good Spencer was getting at counter-curses. He couldn't even remember the last time he'd hexed someone as opposed to _un_ hexing them. At this rate he was going to end up going into mediwizardry or something. At a school that prided itself on causing magical mayhem, that was just embarrassing. Even Gabe, the FBR nurse, was as likely to amuse himself by charming ailing students into what he considered a more aesthetically pleasing condition (plaid, paisley...) as he was to feed them healing potions. Or he might transfigure their tongues into sandpaper for being "whiny tattle-tales". Or get them to stick their hands into his "diagnostic snake pit".

All in all, very few students at FBR visited the school nurse's office, so admittedly Gabe's methods did keep the students in remarkably good health, if only out of their instinct for self-preservation. That, and they learned independence and problem-solving skills. It was just barely possible that this was the intended effect, and that dangling students who complained of nausea from the flag pole wasn't pure sadism... in any case, there was a reason Ryan came to Spencer to fix his magical mishaps.

What Spencer was having trouble with was remembering why he turned into a complete sucker every time instead of telling Ryan to fix his own damn mistakes.

Ryan watched in fascination as Spencer poked the duck a couple more times, muttering under his breath as tiny lights danced around the duck. The poking wasn't technically necessary, but the duck kept getting distracted by the lights and trying to follow them around and Spencer had to nudge it back into the center of the table before it decided to follow them right off the edge.

At last one of the lights turned green and Spencer grunted in satisfaction.

A few moments later, there was a gangly kid sitting on the table, flailing around as if to shake out his now non-existent feathers. He stopped when he realized he didn't have wings anymore, then beamed at Spencer and hopped off the table.

"Thanks, man! That's, like, awesome. You're really good at counter-curses. The last time I got transfigured I had to wait for the puppy dog tail to fall off on its own."

He bounded off, waving cheerfully and nearly colliding with the door on his way out.

Spencer watched him go, then turned back to Ryan and folded his arms across his chest in what he hoped was a stern gesture. With his luck, it probably just looked sulky. "I don't know why I keep doing these things for you. Someday you're going to transfigure, like, Mr. Wentz into a gecko and I'm going to be the first face he sees when he turns back."

Ryan looked horrified at the thought. "You know I'd never do that. Pete's _cool_."

Spencer sunk further down into his chair and kicked his heel against the table leg. He knew he was definitely and obviously sulking now, but he couldn't seem to help it.

"Anyway..." Ryan leaned over and brushed a kiss against Spencer's cheek. "Thanks, Spence," he said.

Spencer felt his face heat and grabbed one of the textbooks in front of him at random. It turned out to be Charms. And upside down. A delicate, thin-fingered hand reached out to right it, and when he couldn't stop himself from glancing up he found Ryan smiling at him, softly, a genuine expression of fondness on his face.

"You wanna study for Potions with me?" Ryan asked, faint twitching of his lips chasing the smile from side to side.

Oh, right, that was why. Spencer wasn't a sucker, he was just a sucker for Ryan Ross. He was pretty sure he wasn't physiologically capable of saying no to that smile. If Ryan asked him to strip naked in front of the whole school and declare his love, well...

"Yeah, sure, you got your notes on organic compounds?" he asked.

When Ryan hitched his chair over next to Spencer, laying his cheek against Spencer's shoulder as Spencer read out a list of organic reactants, Spencer decided it was probably worth it. There was good money to be made in mediwizardry, after all.


End file.
